New Year's Resignation.

Dear Mr's Backside, Wobbly Arm, and Jiggly Thigh,
I am writing this to thank you for the opportunity you've given me to serve you throughout the years.  It has been a roller coaster of hard work, emotional crashes and crash diets.  I have enjoyed our many company dinners, lunches, breakfast's and even water coolerless snacks.  You've been such constant support to my low self-esteem, I always new I could count on you. 
I've come to a point though, where I am ready to acknowledge my overindulgent work ethic.  Some would say I that for you,, I've even been a workaholic.  You've introduced me to so many new experiences.  Dimples, veins, stretch marks.  But it is time for me to move on.
So with this letter, I'd like for you to accept my resignation.  I've taken a new position with a company that is in the early developmental stages.  However, they are founding their busyness on such things as exercise, water bottles, whole grains and fresh produce.  Things that have served others, with similar professional backgrounds as mine, well.
Through the years I've tried to overlook the weaknesses in this company's make-up and help implement some, but not all of these new ideas into our daily busyness.. with little or no acknowledgment from management.  So I need to let you know this resignation will be effective immediately and forever.
Though it has been a pleasure serving you, I look forward to seeing how my new department heads will serve me.
Sincerely,

Summer M Bryan
Foodie Aficionado