I've not blogged lately. I get on here almost every day and rack my brain trying to come up with something cute or witty or funny.. and nothing. Then I start thinking that maybe I shouldn't be doing this. Maybe I should just close the account. I think though today I realized this is a common trap I fall into.
I've been working out and trying to stay under 1600 calories a day. Doing this for 3 weeks has given me a sore body.. but it's the same body I had three weeks ago. Sure, there's a little less water in my fingers. Sure my tummy doesn't rub the treadmill while I walk on it. But the scale won't move, my clothes still fit fine.. and I wanna give up. Quit wasting money on a gym membership and lower calorie foods. Quit going into the "meat market" as my husband calls 24hr Fitness.. I only feel fat and out of place there anyway.
Blech. When I think about how I actually allow myself to feel.. I wanna puke.
So, I'm thinking that I should just be ok with who I am, what I'm capable of making my body do, the amount of writing I am able to "put out there".. and quit worrying about what everyone else thinks.
That really is the underlying problem. I am so concerned with what everyone else thinks that I make myself miserable and then REALLY bug out about what they MUST be thinking. I become a very unlikeable wad of self miserableness.
I want to clarify that I totally am not writing this for anyone to tell me I am not what I am writing. I am not writing this for encouragement. I am writing this to point out the elephant in the room. To point out the thing that is keeping me where I am.
I am ready to move on not just with my physical self. But emotional, spiritual and mental self. This is my first step.
The second step will be that I need to begin purifying my inner man by washing myself in the word. I admit that my view of the practice of a "daily devotion" as being "religious" has caused me to not read the word AT ALL. Whether it is "religious" or not, I need it. So, I am going to begin "religiously".. not "religiously" reading daily.
I'll keep you posted on the happenings of this new venture. And don't worry. I'm not gonna delete my blog or quit going to the gym. Eye of the Tiger and all that ya know!